These are the workplaces and these are the cubicles. That’s my cubicle there, and that is your cubicle. That is your cellphone. By no means reply your cellphone. Let the Voicemail System reply it. That is your Voicemail System Guide. There are not any private cellphone calls allowed. We do, nonetheless, enable for emergencies. If you happen to should make an emergency cellphone name, ask your supervisor first. If you happen to can’t discover your supervisor, ask Phillip Spiers, who sits over there. He’ll test with Clarissa Nicks, who sits over there. If you happen to make an emergency cellphone name with out asking, you might be let go.
These are your IN and OUT bins. All of the varieties in your IN field have to be logged in by the date proven within the higher left-hand nook, initialed by you within the higher right-hand nook, and distributed to the Processing Analyst whose identify is numerically coded within the decrease left-hand nook. The decrease right-hand nook is left clean. Right here’s your Processing Analyst Numerical Code Index. And right here’s your Kinds Processing Procedures Guide.
You should tempo your work. What do I imply? I’m glad you requested that. We tempo our work in accordance with the eight-hour work day. When you have twelve hours of labor in your IN field, for instance, you need to compress that work into the eight-hour day. When you have one hour of labor in your IN field, you need to broaden that work to fill the eight-hour day. That was query. Be happy to ask questions. Ask too many questions, nonetheless, and you might be let go.
That’s our receptionist. She is a temp. We undergo receptionists right here. They give up with alarming frequency. Be well mannered and civil to our temps. Be taught their names. Invite them to lunch often. However don’t get near them, because it solely makes it tougher once they depart. They usually at all times depart. You will be certain of that.
The boys’s room is over there. The ladies’s room is over there. John LaFountaine, who sits over there, makes use of the ladies’s room often. He says it’s unintentional. We all know higher, however we let it move. John LaFountaine is innocent, his forays into the forbidden territory of the ladies’s room merely a benign thrill, a faint blip on the uninteresting flat line of his life.
Russell Nash, who sits within the cubicle to your left, is in love with Amanda Pierce, who sits within the cubicle to your proper. They trip the identical bus collectively after work. For Amanda Pierce, it’s only a tedious bus trip made much less tedious by the idle nattering of Russell Nash. However for Russell Nash, it’s the spotlight of his day. It’s the spotlight of his life. Russell Nash has placed on forty kilos, and grows fatter with every passing month, nibbling on chips and cookies whereas peeking glumly over the partitions at Amanda Pierce, and gorging himself at house on chilly pizza and ice cream whereas watching grownup movies on TV.
Amanda Pierce, within the cubicle to your proper, has a six-year-old son named Jamie, who’s autistic. Her cubicle is plastered from high to backside with the boy’s crayon art work–sheet after sheet of exactly drawn concentric circles and ellipses, in black and yellow. She rotates them each different Friday. Make sure you touch upon them. Amanda Pierce additionally has a husband, who’s a lawyer. He topics her to an escalating array of painful and humiliating intercourse video games, to which Amanda Pierce reluctantly submits. She involves work exhausted and freshly wounded every morning, wincing from the abrasions on her breasts, or the bruises on her stomach, or the second-degree burns on the backs of her thighs.
However we’re not imagined to know any of this. Don’t let on. If you happen to let on, you might be let go.
Amanda Pierce, who tolerates Russell Nash, is in love with Albert Bosch, who sits over there. Albert Bosch, who solely dimly registers Amanda Pierce’s existence, has eyes just for Ellie Tapper, who sits over there. Ellie Tapper, who hates Albert Bosch, would stroll by hearth for Curtis Lance. However Curtis Lance hates Ellie Tapper. Isn’t the world a humorous place? Not within the ha-ha sense, after all.
Anika Bloom sits in that cubicle. Final 12 months, whereas reviewing quarterly reviews in a gathering with Barry Hacker, Anika Bloom’s left palm started to bleed. She fell right into a trance, stared into her hand, and informed Barry Hacker when and the way his spouse would die. We laughed it off. She was, in spite of everything, a brand new worker. However Barry Hacker’s spouse is lifeless. So except you need to know precisely when and the way you’ll die, by no means discuss to Anika Bloom.
Colin Heavey sits in that cubicle over there. He was new as soon as, similar to you. We warned him about Anika Bloom. However ultimately 12 months’s Christmas Potluck, he felt sorry for her when he noticed that nobody was speaking to her. Colin Heavey introduced her a drink. He hasn’t been himself since. Colin Heavey is doomed. There’s nothing he can do about it, and we’re powerless to assist him. Keep away from Colin Heavey. By no means give any of your work to him. If he asks to do one thing, inform him it’s a must to test with me. If he asks once more, inform him I haven’t gotten again to you.
That is the Hearth Exit. There are a number of on this flooring, and they’re marked accordingly. Now we have a Ground Evacuation Assessment each three months, and an Escape Route Quiz as soon as a month. Now we have our Biannual Hearth Drill twice a 12 months, and our Annual Earthquake Drill every year. These are precautions solely. This stuff by no means occur.
In your info, we now have a complete well being plan. Any catastrophic sickness, any unexpected tragedy is totally lined. All dependents are utterly lined. Larry Bagdikian, who sits over there, has six daughters. If something had been to occur to any of his ladies, or to all of them, if all six had been to concurrently fall sufferer to sickness or harm–stricken with a hideous degenerative muscle illness or some uncommon poisonous blood dysfunction, sprayed with semi-automatic gunfire whereas on a category subject journey, or attacked of their bunk beds by some prowling nocturnal lunatic–if any of this had been to move, Larry’s ladies would all be taken care of. Larry Bagdikian wouldn’t must pay one dime. He would don’t have anything to fret about.
We even have a beneficiant trip and sick depart coverage. Now we have a wonderful incapacity insurance coverage plan. Now we have a secure and worthwhile pension fund. We get group reductions for the symphony, and block seating on the ballpark. We get commuter ticket books for the bridge. Now we have Direct Deposit. We’re all members of Costco.
That is our kitchenette. And this, that is our Mr. Espresso. Now we have a espresso pool, into which we every pay two {dollars} per week for espresso, filters, sugar, and Espresso-mate. If you happen to choose Cremora or half-and-half to Espresso-mate, there’s a particular pool for 3 {dollars} per week. If you happen to choose Candy’N Low to sugar, there may be particular pool for two-fifty per week. We don’t do decaf. You’re allowed to affix the espresso pool of your selection, however you aren’t allowed to the touch the Mr. Espresso.
That is the microwave oven. You’re allowed to warmth meals within the microwave oven. You aren’t, nonetheless, allowed to cook dinner meals within the microwave oven.
We get one hour for lunch. We additionally get one fifteen-minute break within the morning, and one fifteen-minute break within the afternoon. At all times take your breaks. If you happen to skip a break, it’s gone endlessly. In your info, your break is a privilege, not a proper. If you happen to abuse the break coverage, we’re licensed to rescind your breaks. Lunch, nonetheless, is a proper, not a privilege. If you happen to abuse the lunch coverage, our palms can be tied, and we can be pressured to look the opposite means. We is not going to get pleasure from that.
That is the fridge. It’s possible you’ll put your lunch in it. Barry Hacker, who sits over there, steals meals from this fridge. His petty theft is an outlet for his grief. Final New Yr’s Eve, whereas kissing his spouse, a blood vessel burst in her mind. Barry Hacker’s spouse was two months pregnant on the time, and lingered in a coma for half a 12 months earlier than dying. It was a tragic loss for Barry Hacker. He hasn’t been himself since. Barry Hacker’s spouse was a good looking girl. She was additionally utterly lined. Barry Hacker didn’t must pay one dime. However his lifeless spouse haunts him. She haunts all of us. Now we have seen her, mirrored within the screens of our computer systems, shifting previous our cubicles. Now we have seen the dim shadow of her face in our photocopies. She pencils herself in within the receptionist’s appointment guide, with the notation: To see Barry Hacker. She has left messages within the receptionist’s Voicemail field, messages garbled by the digital chirrups and buzzes within the cellphone line, her voice echoing from an immense distance throughout the ambient hum. However the voice is hers. And beneath her voice, beneath the tidal whoosh of static and hiss, the gurgling and crying of a child will be heard.
In any case, for those who deliver a lunch, put somewhat one thing further within the bag for Barry Hacker. Now we have 4 Barrys on this workplace. Isn’t {that a} coincidence?
That is Matthew Payne’s workplace. He’s our Unit Supervisor, and his door is at all times closed. Now we have by no means seen him, and you’ll by no means see him. However he’s right here. You will be certain of that. He’s throughout us.
That is the Custodian’s Closet. You haven’t any enterprise within the Custodian’s Closet.
And this, that is our Provides Cupboard. If you happen to want provides, see Curtis Lance. He’ll log you in on the Provides Cupboard Authorization Log, then offer you a Provides Authorization Slip. Current your pink copy of the Provides Authorization Slip to Ellie Tapper. She is going to log you in on the Provides Cupboard Key Log, then provide the key. As a result of the Provides Cupboard is situated outdoors the Unit Supervisor’s workplace, you have to be very quiet. Collect your provides quietly. The Provides Cupboard is split into 4 sections. Part One incorporates letterhead stationery, clean paper and envelopes, memo and word pads, and so forth. Part Two incorporates pens and pencils and typewriter and printer ribbons, and the like. In Part Three we now have erasers, correction fluids, clear tapes, glue sticks, et cetera. And in Part 4 we now have paper clips and push pins and scissors and razor blades. And listed here are the spare blades for the shredder. Don’t contact the shredder, which is situated over there. The shredder is of no concern to you.
Gwendolyn Stich sits in that workplace there. She is loopy about penguins, and collects penguin knickknacks: penguin posters and low mugs and stationery, penguin stuffed animals, penguin jewellery, penguin sweaters and tee shirts and socks. She has a pair of penguin fuzzy slippers she wears when working late on the workplace. She has a tape cassette of penguin sounds which she listens to for leisure. Her favourite colours are black and white. She has customized license plates that learn: PEN GWEN. Each morning, she passes by all of the cubicles to want every of us morning. She brings Danish on Wednesdays for Hump Day morning break, and doughnuts on Fridays for T.G.I.F. afternoon break. She organizes the Annual Christmas Potluck, and is answerable for the Birthday Record. Gwendolyn Stich’s door is at all times open to all of us. She is going to at all times lend an ear, and put in phrase for you; she’s going to at all times offer you a hand, or the shirt off her again, or a shoulder to cry on. As a result of her door is at all times open, she hides and cries in a stall within the ladies’s room. And John LaFountaine–who, enthralled when a lady enters, sits quietly in his stall together with his knees to his chest–John LaFountaine has heard her vomiting in there. Now we have come across Gwendolyn Stich huddled within the stairwell, shivering within the updraft, sipping a Weight-reduction plan Mr. Pibb and hugging her knees. She doesn’t let any of this intrude along with her work. If it interfered along with her work, she may need to be let go.
Kevin Howard sits in that cubicle over there. He’s a serial killer, the one they name the Carpet Cutter, liable for the mutilations throughout city. We’re not imagined to know that, so don’t let on. Don’t fear. His compulsion inflicts itself on strangers solely, and the routine established is elaborate and unwavering. The sufferer have to be a white male, a younger grownup no older than thirty, heavyset, with darkish hair and eyes, and the like. The sufferer have to be chosen at random, earlier than sundown, from a public place; the sufferer is adopted house, and should put up a battle; et cetera. The carnage inflicted is exact: the angle and course of the incisions; the layering of pores and skin and muscle tissue; the rearrangement of the visceral organs; and so forth. Kevin Howard doesn’t let any of this intrude together with his work. He’s, in truth, our quickest typist. He sorts as if he had been on hearth. He has a secret crush on Gwendolyn Stich, and leaves a red-foil-wrapped Hershey’s Kiss on her desk each afternoon. However he hates Anika Bloom, and retains effectively away from her. In his presence, she has uncontrollable suits of shaking and trembling. Her left palm doesn’t cease bleeding.
In any case, when Kevin Howard will get caught, act stunned. Say that he appeared like a pleasant individual, a little bit of a loner, maybe, however at all times quiet and well mannered.
That is the photocopier room. And this, that is our view. It faces southwest. West is down there, towards the water. North is again there. As a result of we’re on the seventeenth flooring, we’re afforded a powerful view. Isn’t it stunning? It overlooks the park, the place the tops of these bushes are. You may see a phase of the bay between these two buildings there. You may see the solar set within the hole between these two buildings over there. You may see this constructing mirrored within the glass panels of that constructing throughout the way in which. There. See? That’s you, waving. And look there. There’s Anika Bloom within the kitchenette, waving again.
Get pleasure from this view whereas photocopying. When you have issues with the photocopier, see Russell Nash. When you have any questions, ask your supervisor. If you happen to can’t discover your supervisor, ask Phillip Spiers. He sits over there. He’ll test with Clarissa Nicks. She sits over there. If you happen to can’t discover them, be happy to ask me. That’s my cubicle. I sit in there.
Postscript by ReadingRoom literary editor Steve Braunias: That is the primary time within the 5 years of our weekly quick story sequence at ReadingRoom that we now have relaxed our strict nationalist coverage of solely ever publishing New Zealand authors. An exception should be made for genius. I noticed “Orientation” in a second-hand copy of The Finest American Brief Tales 1995, was utterly knocked out by it, and tracked down the creator to ask permission to deliver it to a brand new era of New Zealand readers. He replied, “I’d love for NZ to learn my story.”