In ‘Sex with a Brain Injury,’ Annie Liontas reflects on the impact of concussion : NPR

When Annie Liontas was 35, they obtained into a motorbike accident whereas driving with no helmet. They hadn’t damaged any bones, and there wasn’t signal of great blood loss, however one thing wasn’t proper.

Liontas, who identifies as genderqueer, and makes use of they/them pronouns, remembers calling a buddy and not likely understanding what he was saying — or the phrases that have been popping out of their very own mouth. They ended up on the hospital, feeling disoriented. It was as if “the world [had] began to form of pull aside somewhat bit, prefer it virtually felt like taffy,” they recall. A CAT scan confirmed that Liontas had sustained a concussion.

Although Liontas appeared to get better from the preliminary mind harm, two fluke incidents within the yr that adopted exacerbated their situation. First, a child automobile seat fell onto their head at an enormous field retailer, after which a pot fell on them whereas they have been watering crops.

An creator and writing professor at George Washington College, Liontas continues to reside with the repercussions of the three mind accidents. “If I shake the orange juice too laborious, that would result in a migraine. If I faucet my head on a shelf — and I imply faucet — that may result in a migraine,” they are saying.

Within the new memoir, Intercourse With a Mind Damage, Liontas describes how their concussion led to dizziness, reminiscence fog and anger — and impacted their marriage and intercourse life.

“Nothing is unclaimed by this type of harm,” Liontas says. “Not solely do you lose TV or music or studying, however even simply being in your physique on this method that’s about connection, out of the blue was not accessible to me for a really very long time.”

The pressure from the concussion almost ended Liontas’ marriage, however in the end, Liontas says, they’ve managed to discover a “new regular”: “[My wife] was frightened that who I would been was gone ceaselessly — and who we had been was additionally gone,” they are saying. “However we are also far more sincere in sure methods with each other, and may see and help each other, I believe, with extra fortitude and resilience now. We snicker at extra issues collectively — since you type of should.”

Interview highlights

On experiencing three mind accidents within the span of 1 yr

I used to be in somewhat little bit of disbelief [when the car seat fell on me], like, no, this cannot be one other concussion. It wasn’t like hitting my head on asphalt. It is only a field. I am in a retailer. There’s brilliant lights. Like, I’ve to be secure there. This cannot be taking place. And, certain sufficient, it was far worse than the primary harm, which … I had type of come out of that OK. However that second harm occurred, and the signs have been compounding. …

The third harm was additionally a little bit of a fluke. I used to be watering a plant and the pot fell. In hindsight, now, nothing is allowed above my head wherever. I imply, I will go to a resort and take the portray off a wall if I’ve to. I believe this is quite common for people who find themselves affected by head accidents that you simply grow to be, on the worst of it, there is a type of paranoia that may overtake you. However, at the perfect, you are fairly diligent and conscious. And, I ought to say, that that extends past me too; now my spouse has an alertness, and my greatest buddy has an alertness.

On blaming themself for the accidents

If one thing occurs thrice, you get hit within the head thrice with a coconut, you are form of like, why am I sitting below this tree? For me, I believe, I’ve began to assume that there is this unsolvable knot that all of us have. And by age 35, 37, no matter you’ve got been operating from, evading, indulging, it type of catches up with you. For me, a few of it’s simply dangerous luck, however … lots of it was that I believed that I might get by way of life fully independently of everybody, together with my spouse. I might simply hold caring for myself. However, in fact, people should not constructed that method, and in the event you’re injured or sick, you’ll be able to’t. You’re in a totally new, weak place. However the issue with head harm, gentle head harm notably, is that it is so invisible, we do not see it. We don’t know individuals are strolling round with this situation. Quite a lot of the individuals closest to me have been frightened that this was one thing else, that it was anxiousness, that it was despair.

On a check within the hospital by which they have been requested to attract a clock

It was so disturbing. There are specific elements of your personal information that you simply simply take as a right, even once you’re unraveling. And that was one in every of possibly two or three situations in my restoration after I noticed myself mirrored again to myself. … The practitioner requested me to attract a clock and simply put the numbers the place they need to go. They usually have been all bunched up like I used to be a primary grader, and I did not even get the 6 proper. … That was the begin to a fairly lengthy highway of recalibration.

On having a disaster of self as a result of they may now not learn or write

I used to be grappling with this disaster of the conceptualized self. That is what the philosophers name it once you actually go from realizing who you might be at some point to the rug type of being pulled out from below you. And for me, it was like, as a author, as an energetic particular person, as somebody who was robust in physique and thoughts and spirit to be really weak and incapacitated, to not be capable to write, to not be capable to really feel assured in entrance of a classroom, … that actually taxed me and it is one thing that I have been crawling again from and grappling with.

On counting on their spouse in restoration

We do have a type of cultural framework round most cancers, to have the ability to reply to in a method that we do not have fairly but for situations like traumatic mind harm. And so it was this huge paradigmatic shift for us in our personal non-public relationship, the place out of the blue the roles have been shifting, or we needed to be current for each other in ways in which we hadn’t been earlier than. It was an actual check. … Even in the event you’re ranging from a extremely robust place, one thing like mind harm can actually rock the connection. …

I am grateful that I am with somebody who understands that love calls for a type of elasticity so that individuals can develop and may change. And, in fact, on this context, within the context of the mind harm, that needed to occur too quick. And that was the explanation for the pressure and the problem. But in addition, I imply, we simply determined we’ll hold making an attempt – and that does make all of the distinction.

On getting by way of a protracted interview

Simply to be clear, as a result of I’d hate to misrepresent the situation, I’ve lots of notes in entrance of me, and I memorized elements of those solutions, and I form of handled this like learning for the boards. Largely as a result of I do know that it is actually vital to get the data on the market. However I additionally assume it is vital to be clear about the truth that this does take lots of work, this extroversion and relaying of this type of information. And I simply need individuals on the market who’re struggling to know that I can admire that that is what they are going by way of.

Sam Briger and Thea Chaloner produced and edited this interview for broadcast. Bridget Bentz, Molly Seavy-Nesper and Diane Webber tailored it for the net.